Lumbar Radiculopathy aka sidelined

So a few weeks ago I started having really bad back pain--it is not terribly uncommon for me as I am super active and also seem to carry stress in the lower back/stomach area...so I have a lot of "fixes" for it--stretching, massage, accupuncture, mineral soaks, etc. I tried all of these to no avail. The pain started to radiate, and eventually moved into causing the entire length of my left leg to be numb. Numb is never a good sign, so I took a few days off of the gym and hoped that rest would fix it. Nope. So I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and went to see him today. He says it is lumbar radiculopathy--or nerve irritation around the disc. It is sort of a fuzzy diagnosis, as is the treatment. I, of course, want to be proactive, so he is sending me to see a physical therapist. I see him/her on Monday. I also have an accupunture appointment tomorrow and massage on Friday. So, I am going to get this worked out! I am taking it easy activity wise for now. If it isn't resolve in a month (it better be!), then I go back and we will do an MRI, etc. But I really don't want to go there. So, please let this other stuff work! I hate to be sidelined!!

Confession

I am obsessed about the thought of getting boudoir portraits taken. Now, don't get me wrong, the idea scares the crap out of me! But there is just something about them--the confidence of the women that shines through. I want to be confident with myself and my own body--flaws and all. So one of these days...nothing trashy or anything...but fun and showing confidence. It is on my list, so I have to do it!!

Here is a photographer that gives me hope that I will be able to do it and look fabulous: True Blue Photography

Directions Please!

When I made the "Mosaic of Me" (see post below) the other day one of the "questions" is "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  I had to come up with an answer in order to complete the tasks, but in truth, I have NO idea.  A friend of mine also asked me the same thing this weekend and my goals was a topic at lunch with some other friend today, so obviously this is something that I need to be thinking about right now.

So, I am an attorney. I have been for about 5 years, and for the most part I like it.  Of course there are days when I don't, but all in all, it is a good job and I think that it is a pretty good fit.  I am good at what I do (and I don't mean that in a bragging sort of way).  I don't particularly like litigation, but I don't have to do much of that.  The job is a good place for me now.  

But...the question is what do I want to "do"?  I have put a lot of money and effort into becoming an attorney.  Maybe I want to be a partner at a firm someday or go in-house somewhere, but maybe not.  The one thing that I am sure of is that I don't want to hang up my own shingle and be a solo practioner--I really prefer the team approach.

I have the opportunity to go back to school to get a Master's degree and I can't pass it up, so I will be getting an MBA. But part of me asks myself "why"?  I really don't know the answer to that, except that I really enjoy school and I just couldn't pass the opportunity up.  But is that a "good enough" answer?  I guess it will have to be for now...

I love to create...I love to make things and look at pretty things.  I have enjoyed helping a friend with ideas for his business and researching things about that...but is there a career there?  A "Creative Consultant"?  

I have also had a few people suggest that public office would be a way to go for me...but right now I can't even get my mind around that...

Right now I feel like I am floundering a bit.  I don't want to be a person that dabbles in a bunch of things, but is not really good at any of them.  I want to be awesome at what I do, I just need to figure out what I want...

Self-Conscious

We had portraits taken today, by a great friend who has taken ours before and I feel comfortable with him. But for some reason when the camera comes out or when I feel like someone is really looking at me, I tense up. I feel like when someone is looking a me, they are seeing all of the flaws. Seeing the flab, the wrinkles, the teeth that aren't white enough--seeing all of my imperfection magnified. Seeing how ugly I am. In front of the camera is not the only time I feel this way, but it is an example of when the feelings are really magnified. There are times--many more times than I would like to admit--that I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

It is embarrassing to say this, and to do so in such a pubic manner. I am 30 years old, nearly 31, so you would think that by now I would be comfortable with myself. I have been married for nearly 10 years to a man that clearly loves me, with all my flaws. So why can't I just love myself? Why can't I look at myself in the mirror--really look--without cringing? Do other people see someone that I don't see? Is my self-concept so distorted that I can't see the real me? Or is this me?

I look at a lot of pictures, pictures of wedding and portraits and I love to see women--regular woman--who have so much self-confidence and so much "spunk" that comes across in the photos. I think that I have some spunk in here somewhere--in fact, I know that there is a lot of "sass," but how do I get it to come out? How can I really be comfortable letting that out. I want to have that captured in a photo. I want a person to look at a picture of me and think "That woman likes herself and is comfortable with herself. She has personality." But is this is dream? Can I ever be that woman? Can I be her? Or am I just NOT that woman? I want to be the woman that wears bright red shoes and stands tall as she walks into the office. I want to be the woman that runs into the ocean, getting her beautiful dress wet, but not caring. I want to be that women that can look at someone without fear and let the real me come out. But I think that this may be asking too much.